Let me back up.
Sept.
Felt prompted to get pregnant the day Doug came home and told me he would not deploy in the Spring, but the following fall. Ok, so we have a window between June-Aug. A trip to the temple and General Conference the next day confirmed this.
Oct.
No pregnancy. Released from YW leadership after only serving for 5 months and felt like I finally was connected with the girls and some who were at me big crossroads in their life. Super hard to leave.
Nov.
No pregnancy. Get called to RS presidency.
Dec.
Doug's commander calls him in and tells him he's thinking about assigning Doug to a brigade position as their dentist and will deploy with them for 9 months. Doug "hears" they are leaving in June, I "hear" their leaving in August.
Immediate prayers turn into "please don't let this happen!" This was our biggest fear with the Army...it means Doug will be more of an "Army" man and will deploy longer and will have to travel more in Afghanistan which is known to be when most of the tragedies happen (when you leave the armed posts).
But what about that prompting... I'm a week late...
Christmas Eve, decide to take a test before I go to bed....learn I'm pregnant due in August. Total mix, overwhelming feelings, but very happy and somehow amongst it there was peace. What if Doug's going to be gone when I have this baby? Pray, plead, "Please let Doug be here for the delivery...and the recovery."
Try to have Faith that with God, all things are possible.
Christmas Morning, Doug rolls over, "Amber, go get your Christmas present." I reply, "Yours will be coming in August." pause...gets it...total excitement can't wait to tell his family that was here. So he quickly made put this in an extra stocking and hung it up.
Jan. 9
Doug receives orders to 101st Airborne Division 3rd Brigade. Learn Doug will deploy in September.
I start to bleed. Tell myself, you never felt sick with this pregnancy like with the first 3, kind of suspected something wasn't right. Mentally prepared myself for miscarriage.
Jan. 10
Blood tests come back I'm still pregnant with HCG over 8000.
Jan. 11
Internal ultrasound shows no heartbeat and a 5.3 week fetus when it should have been 8.3 weeks. Lots of tears.
Jan. 12
Blood tests show HCG levels dropped instead of doubled. Miscarriage diagnosed. Intense cramping sets in. Tender mercy from the Lord received during bedtime prayer. I really feel that baby McArthur is doing what the Lord needs Him to be doing right now. So thankful for the times when the veil feels thin.
Jan. 13
Tell family. Thankful I didn't tell all of Clarksville I was pregnant as it never felt right.
Jan. 14
Bleeding intensifies, felt awful. I'm ok too right...hormones are fun =).
Jan. 15
Go about RS responsibilities as if nothing has happened at all...gives me insight into how others trials can totally be hidden...helps me not want to jump to conclusions with others as you never know what they might be going through.
Jan. 16
Feel blah...the floors are steamed and carpets shampooed...the house is quite so it's time to write about it.
As life changes, so does the individual. I've felt myself clinging to the things I believe and taking comfort in God's plan for all of us. I do feel a sense of relief in being responsible for 3 kids instead of 4 while Doug's deployed. I know it will be physically/emotionally/mentally easier without a newborn. There definitely is a part of me that is sad and the tears come even when I think I'm good. But I have totally felt the Lord telling me that it's all going to be ok throughout all the life changes the past 6 weeks.
I love my Father in Heaven. I love His wisdom. I love that I have knowledge of His plan of Salvation and that we will be forever families. I love the times when faith conquers fear and heartache. I love my Saviour, Jesus Christ, whom I know gives me strength to go through hard things and comforts and understands.
My life has changed (and will continue too) with these life changes. Thank goodness for faith!
