Soldiers may not cry, but wives do!

I had a total meltdown yesterday that began unexpectedly at the Walmart Tire checkout lane...it was a bit embarrassing.  I couldn't control the quivering lip, the tears, the sniffles, etc.  It was bad enough that my friend who was with me patted my back, offered to put my kids in the car, sent in her husband to talk with the sales clerk for me and even the total stranger with the scruffy beard was offering to help.  Then as I pulled out of the parking lot my mom calls who's crying uncontrollably and I think my grandma passed away and she says to me, "Amber, I just hate that Doug is in Afghanistan and not there with you."...."um, Mom, shouldn't this be me calling you crying out that phrase?" I reply.  I talked with her for a while and didn't even mention that I just been through my car getting a flat tire on the interstate and nearly escaping disasters with other cars all while trying to get to the church with 3 boys who conked out in the backseat at 4:30pm so we could get them to their primary program rehearsal on time.  "Why did I even try to do this?" was the thought running through my head.  Talon was beyond tired and refused to get ready to go and get into the car but eventually did sobbing without any shoes on.  He just wanted me to hold him and instead I was trying to rush everyone out the door.  Jaxon ran off to an unknown neighbors house and I had to hunt him down...boy was I mad about this and so was he after he lost privileges.  And Colton was amazing but wanted to be independent which takes 3x's as long to get in the car.

I should have just stayed home and cleaned our wreckage of a home that had been destroyed during the day while I had been gone at a stake relief society training...the baby sitter didn't know that neighborhood boys are not allowed in our home EVER.  There was almost an entire box of cereal sprawled out over the floor w/ at least one non matching pair of shoes & socks in every room and once organized art papers decorating the office floor.  There were broken toys scattered about and of course dishes on the horizontal surfaces in the kitchen & dinning room.  One whole wall has a bazillion dings in it where they were shooting bows and arrows in the house...can't wait for the landlord to see that!

But the blessings came in the form of a home teacher, a good friend, a snuggle with Jaxon until he fell asleep that night, and a long hug w/ tears as Talon (and I) cried "I miss daaaaaaaddy!" over and over again.  Again, Colt was amazing and went right to sleep.  I love my boys and I love the comfort they bring to me.

I think we're just tired over here and wish our load could be shared with Dad.  It's just no fun not having him around.  It's only been 2 months and the next 7 months just seems so long.  I know, I should concur with everyone around that insistently tell me it will go by fast...p.s. this is the phrase I cringed to when someone tries to offer comfort by saying it...n.t.s....it doesn't help.  I'm sure when this journey is through it will seem like it went by fast, but being on this spectrum of it, it's NOT going fast.  Every tear cried by my boys who miss their dad feels long, every mess I clean up after just having cleaned one up feels long, every time I loose my temper and yell at my kids feels long and I hate how I feel knowing I've lost control.  When I just can't seem to think of any good ideas for disciplining and would normally have turned it over to Doug, it feels like I'm failing as a mother and teacher.  Every time Jaxon back talks, Talon has a melt down, or Colton yells at the top of his lungs to get my attention, FEELS LONG!  It's hard to be the kind of mother to my kids I want to be (and God wants me to be) all the time!  Sure I can do it sometimes, but 100%...definitely not.  My prayers are full of "please forgive me for doing this" and "please help me do this".

I think that last 2 months have been good (most of the time) but last night I felt overwhelmed and exhausted.  The good thing about a good cry is you sleep well (after you remove the stinking feet & snoring face that wanted to sleep with you).  I did wake up this morning feeling better until we skyped with Doug (because it's Sunday morning...the only day he can go to the MWR and skype us though it's all pixelated and we can't always hear & see each other because the connection isn't very good) and I lost it again.  I could tell he was having a hard time too.  I think both of us just want and NEED each other.  We always try to be positive and think happy thoughts of our reunion, but today it was just much harder.  And I hate saying goodbye after his a lotted 30 minutes of computer time is up...I could've talked to him for hours today.

Anyway, the kid's primary program today was AMAZING!  I just loved it and felt like I needed to see my boys singing songs about choosing the right and scripture power and their favorite "I will go, I will do the things the Lord commands!"  It was just the reminder of their pure, innocent, beautiful selves that I needed.  It was wonderful to have a celestial mom moment where you just feel so blessed to have your God given children in your life!

Boys,

I love you.  You will forever be loved by Daddy and me.  I thank you for your immediate forgiveness and love towards me.  Eternally thankful we get to be together forever!

Love,

Mom

Here's a clip of my boys practicing Nephi's courage.