MY BRAIN!!

Where to begin…how do I start…my mind is so clouded with so many thoughts and ideas that I could probably begin this journal entry 17 different ways. Most of the time I’m grateful for a mind that can think, process, reason, create, view things from multiple perspectives, engage in critical thinking, problem solve (usually too many solutions as the creative side likes to step in), etc. My brain can tell my body to breath, make my heart beat, and blink without me having to remind myself to do that…and thank goodness for that because remembering is not something I’ve been good at since my first born 10 years ago. Seriously, our brains do so many glorious things I am in awe with God’s creation of them. Lately I haven’t been able to shut my mind off, especially between 1-4am…argh! I’m not a fan of the late night processing as my brain unproductively contemplating over and over again. Heaven knows I need my SLEEP for the next day and a tired Mama is a grouchy Mama…not the kind I want to be! My prayers lately have been to master some control over my mind and NOT STRESS. So far my self talks are not working as the following thoughts run on repeat:

My kids need more of me…

The lawn needs to be cut before the Yard Waste is picked up tomorrow morning…think the neighbors would mind…I can’t sleep anyway…

Did I leave Doug’s dress shirt in the dryer over night?

I shouldn't have said this or did that…

Should we buy more food storage or pay off more Dental Student Loan debt…

How is that I can’t seem to get dinners on the table more regularly…

Did I change Z-lee’s diaper before she went to bed…I could sense she sensed my stress as she just wanted to be held longer…

How do I best fulfill my new church calling…

Concern for the future…presidential election, Doug’s career goals, my kid’s testiomony/work ethic/college options/preparing them to live in a very self gratifying world with Satan’s influence in the hearts of many…

I’ve really failed at teaching my kids to read…recent SBAC scores were a wake up call…must
be more diligent and stay in their rooms with them while they are reading at night so I can ask comprehension questions…that 30 minutes of “my time” will totally be worth it…

Broken dishes, stepping on crumbs, dirty socks laying around sure trigger a negative reaction out of me…they really shouldn’t…

Wish I could control my frustrations better, but I do think door slamming is cheaper than throwing a phone…

Doug sensed my feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities (again) and volunteered to clean the kitchen…but I guarantee he just did the dishes and didn’t clear the counters, wipe them down, sweep the floors, pull out the old food from fridge to go into the trash tomorrow (you know the ones that have missed trashed day week after week)…why am I even complaining, he was so sweet to offer especially after not getting home until close to 9pm (he works hard and then serves in the Church…isn’t that a good thing!)…

Then push repeat and add-on at least 3-13 more things I’m not doing well or tac on a few more creative ideas I want to implement, a prayer to God blessing all those people everyone is asking me to pray for and include myself that I can fall asleep, and that’s how I’ve been spending my nights. Super unproductive—-I KNOW! (except minus the praying…that’s productive) So then I tell myself, STOP, just stop thinking! Stop stressing, stop worrying, stop doing this to yourself!!! And then it just keeps going, so I say, ok well lets be somewhat productive—-let’s tap into that creative right brain that brings joy when a new idea arises to try in photography or teaching…

When all else fails, I whip out my scriptures and read…my eyes begin to burn as the light from my phone hurts them and then remind myself that light from screens trigger your brain to not make melatonin so that’s not good when you're trying to sleep. But, if there’s one benefit to scripture study, it is that my ungratefulness, self deprecation, negative attitude tend to shift to a better place where comfort, peace, and an eternal perspective fill in. Plus after a few chapters it usually puts me to sleep. Gods word is good for both body, mind, and soul!

And then your husband sends you this beautiful message via Facebook and I take a moment to thank my Father in Heaven for the abundant blessings He’s given me, especially a husband who truly loves me and encourages me…God is good and my hope is He can help make up for where I lack. 

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