Warning: This is real side of Amber that has not come out in my blog before. Do not keep reading if you are in a judgmental mood, because I'm speaking true emotions with a touch of pregnancy hormones here.
Yes, that was HATE with all caps! Doug was gone all last week doing a pediatric rotation down in Charleston (3 1/2 hours a way) and I played single mom from Sunday night until Friday night. The Lord really did give me the strength to get through that week and that week was so much easier than "single parenting it" again today and tomorrow and the next (predictions of course). Doug told me back in Sept. his hunting agenda which included 5 days in Sept. (he shot 2 deer), none in October because he would already be busy 4 weekends out of the 5 due to 3 board exams (which he passed them all...what a blessing) and of course an all-day cowboy shoot, and then 4 days in November (3 of them during Thanksgiving break), and then he wants to go out for his "birthday hunt" in December. This is a 10 day total, which is better than last years 12 days.
So what's my problem...I hate that I can't enjoy these days that Doug is gone doing something he loves. The negative: my whole body hurts, especially these "old lady" hips that make me cry everytime I go up the stairs, put my pants on, or try to take my shoes off with my feet. We are having company come in tonight for a few days and it's all I can do to tell myself that I should be content with the house preparations made thus far even if there's at least 15 more hours of work that needs to be done. In my case that would be 30 hours of work since I'm crazy slow getting around. Both my kids are wanting so much more attention than I'm giving and therefore they are making constant messes, not listening and obeying, and super moody. I feel I'm mentally exhausted trying to think of new ways to get them to do what I ask and trying to avoid getting mad at all the disasters they create. Emotionally, it's frustrating that Doug's and my biggest fights are about his time away from the family...esp. hunting. I understand that it is an all day adventure and that's the nature of hunting, but I hate feeling like I'm competing against this sport. When we were dating and our first 2 years of marriage, every free moment we spent together. It was glorious! I know Doug loves me and that he values our family, but I really hate when he chooses to spend a day rejuvenating in the woods instead of being with us. Yes, I know we all need time to get our cups filled so we can keep going, I just wish it wasn't so time consuming. He'll wake up at 5am and begone until 8pm, then talk about his entire hunting day until bedtime in which he can barely sleep because he's so excited to do it again the next day. WOW!
Anyway, the hardest part of this whole thing is that I can't get rid of this "hating hunting bug." I wish I could just be ok with it and that it wasn't a big deal. I wish I had the strength do be supermom and that I could do it all. I hate fighting all the negative thoughts that enter my mind the entire day he's gone. By the time Doug gets home I've already had about 15 fights with him in my mind and am either geared up with the boxing gloves on or too exhausted to be nice. And by the way, I have shared all this with Doug but I don't think he totally gets where I'm coming from. And I know he'd say I don't understand where he's coming from. AHHHHHHH! I guess that's the nature of being imperfected beings. Maybe when I become that "Celestial" wife I'll be cheering at the thought of Doug spending his free time hunting and it won't be an issue...we'll lets be honest, by the time I'm that "celestial" there won't be any need for guns or bows or hunting...
Oh, Amber...I do understand. Dave doesn't hunt but he's gone frequently and when he is home it seems like he checks out.I too have shared that with him, I will say he's been doing better recently and actually helping out more when he is home. I don't know what did it, but something changed. I know how frustrating the little things can be, and hearing others talk about it helps me relize how imperfect we really are. I know I say LOTS of prayers to look at the little things that he does to help, this helps the negative things go away. I am in constant awe of how wonderful you really are and how you cope with things. I find being a mom extreemly challening and wonder why and how I could have another one, yet I know I want more (not happening now, I'll keep you posted). I wish I was there to help you and let our kids play together. You'll be in my prayers. If anything I had to laugh, because of how honest and wonderful you are and how so many wives can relate!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the previous comment, and add you are amazing, Amber!! I understand the frustrations of hunting, but not because Devin hunts. I think there is always something that occupies our husbands. On a positive note, picture in a few more years when your boys are old enough to join dad...and you get those 10 or 12 or however many more hunting days...to yourself!! :) My dad and brothers hunted. Some times I went with; others I stayed behind and had a girls weekend with my mom and sister...some of my favorite memories are from those hunting trips, just time together with family!! This too shall pass...in the meanwhile, call me!! I'm sure Kindred would love to play with your handsome little boys! And it'd break up your day a little too!!! I'd love to hang out!
ReplyDeleteI so love and appreciate your openness about your struggles! Thank you, it helps me out and I feel like I can totally relate (not that my husband has ever hunted- but the feelings that go w/ it).
ReplyDeleteI think for all the days he's out hunting you should go on a girls trip for the same amount of time! :-)